Dreams In Which I'm Dying
by Floating-Uncertainties
Summary: Eli Goldsworthy was in the process of committing an action that would forever end his life. When he is suddenly saved by a random girl he never once talked to, he wonders if she is the key to healing him once and for all. *AU*
1. Chapter 1

He was tired almost to the point where he couldn't function. His mind was filled with negative thoughts and only those of that nature. He laid his body to rest on his bed allowing the softness of his mattress to try and comfort the blow of his inner most suffering. He let his fingers run all the way through his shaggy, brown hair. He didn't want to wait anymore. He had waited four years hoping that things would get better in his life, take a turn to show something more promising, but it hadn't. Not even remotely close to that.

Eli Goldsworthy was the boy who hid all his pain from those around him. Instead he poured his severe depression into his dark clothes, black painted fingernails, his hearse, and his aura of keeping those away from him. His biggest contribution to his act was his fake smile; one that he embedded on his face so that no one would ever bother to ask questions.

His life used to be on a right path. Four years ago before high school started, he was happy to say the least. He was excited to attend Degrassi and explore the world of high school. He was ready to take part in the arts and project his work into not only drama, but literature as well. That soon took a downhill spiral for just as he set foot into the corridors of his new school, his family shattered to bits.

His father left his mother out of the blue. One night he had been sleeping in her bed beside her and the next morning, he was gone without a trace. There were no warning signs in his urge to leave, no sense of unhappiness when he would come home everyday. There was only a note; scribbled words on a piece of paper that ended any chance of Eli ever being happy again. The words were burned into the back of Eli's mind and no matter how much effort he put in trying to forget them, they never strayed.

_I've wanted to leave for a long time now and I figured talking about it would just cause more drama than needed. I am traveling far, far, away from the Toronto area and I would appreciate it if no one came after me or tried to find me. This is what I desire for myself. _

That was all that remained of Eli's father. There was no sympathy in his words, not even an ounce of care was put into that note. It was written monotonously, an out of duty chore in the eyes of Eli's dad. It was a selfish and pitiful way to end a relationship that had been going on for years.

Eli remembers how his mother broke down into a flash flood of tears and how she yelled at Eli to go away. He didn't hesitate for he knew by the context and venom of his mother's words, that it wasn't his place to be around. There was a lot of wailing and glass breaking from downstairs as Eli listened from behind the closed door of his bedroom. He didn't understand his father's decision and even to this day, he still had no clue. He waited for hours, well into the darkness of the night, until his mother's high pitched shrieks dulled to nothing, but a small whimper. He waited for her footsteps to pass by his bedroom, before heading into her own down the hall.

It was then that Eli broke down. He cradled his knees to his chest and let a steady flow of tears escape from his eyes. He wasn't at an age where he didn't know what this meant. He knew that his father was gone for good; reasons of which he would never come to uncover, and that his life was about to be turned upside down. That day was the representation of when Eli slowly began his road to depression. It was in that time frame that signaled the feeling of sorrow to well up in Eli's core. Sadness wrapped around Eli's tissues, latched onto his bones, and poisoned his blood steam. An incurable illness was taking over. It marked Eli's happiness, laughter, and overall stable being as a thing of the past. This was in addition, the beginning of his mother's journey to a long winding road of drugs, alcohol, and ultimately, abuse.

Eli listened to his chest rise and fall. He admired his final few moments that he would have on the Earth. He inhaled the empty scent of his room, stroked the cotton fabric of his sheets and admired his headphones beside his bed that he had used to block out the noise of his raging mother. He rolled over on his right side and propped himself up with his elbow. He reached his hand over to the top draw of his night table and pulled out his favorite 'Dead Hand' album. It had been personally signed by the band after he won a contest on the local radio. Eli considered it his most prized possession for the 'Dead Hand's' music is what rang through his ears during his most painful moments of life.

Tick, Tock.

The clock on his wall filled Eli's eardrums. His eyes darted to the clock placed on his wall. It was mocking him; asking him what he was still waiting for. What was the use of taking in the scenery when he was about to leave it all behind?

Eli gripped the CD tightly in his palms and thanks to a brutal toss, it landed with a thud in his drawer. Eli let the soles of his feet graze the tiled floor of hid bedroom and eventually shifted his weight onto them, allowing him to stand.

Tick, tock, the hand moving on the clock teased Eli yet again. It read 4:30. Eli only had an hour before his mom got home from work. He would have to do this fast. There would have to be no more delays. It was time to finally reach a peace that he longed for.

High school hadn't given him that satisfaction. Every assignment done was by force. Friends had no meaning to him because after all the drama he had heard about, he figured he was better off without them. His passion for writing became none and his ability to once be able to get into any character soon melted away. Eli Goldsworthy was a dead soul existing in a world that had done nothing to inspire him to live anymore.

Eli headed over to his closet and slid the door open. He lifted off the cover of what would look like to his mom as an old shoebox, if she ever decided to pry. But it was much more than that. It was his way out. Eli threw the lid onto the ground and emptied the box of its contents; a rope, a pen, and a sheet of loose leaf. These were the items that would be the final key to his mission.

_I might as well keep it short and sweet just like my father did,_ Eli thought to himself. _No one will care anyways. My mom will probably be glad in the long run. _

He lifted up the pencil and began to write:

_Dear mom, _

_I doubt you will even care when you find this note along side my mangled body. When dad left, life for me became a living hell as it did for you. Drugs and alcohol became the only thing that you loved and I became the thing that you hated. Over time, I began to turn into the being I despised as well. I guess we had something in common after all. _

_As I write this note, I recall each and every bruise that you bore upon me. I remember how each one in the beginning hurt until eventually I grew numb to the roaring pain. Every strike, every welt, every black and blue colored mark you left on my body was what I considered my daily routine. I was happy when I came home and found you passed out on the couch. It was only then that I thought I was safe. _

_However, it is now time that I take upon my own solution to this problem for I have learned it is not going to cease. And it is with these final words that I bid this world farewell. _

_Eli Goldsworthy_

With a nod of approval, Eli began to fasten the rope into a noose. He placed it around his neck and made sure his head was a perfect fit. When it was, Eli headed downstairs.

He dragged a chair over towards the beam of the doorway that separated his kitchen and living room. He tied the rope around the strongly enforced piece of wood and tugged on it with all his weight to make sure his plan would not fail.

"It's time," Eli muttered to himself; his voice just above a whisper. He placed his head into the hanging rope and took an inhale of breath. With a flick of his wrist, the suicide note dropped onto the floor. He watched it with intensity and now that it had landed, it was his signal.

Eli hoisted his legs upward so they were no longer touching the chair and just as he was about to lunge them backwards into the chair, a loud banging noise was heard coming from the front door.

Eli froze as the thought of who it could be ran through his mind. However, he shook his thoughts away and pushed his legs into the back of the chair, toppling it to the ground. The force he felt on his neck was intense and he could feel the air withdrawing from his lungs; never to be filled again.

The urgent beating of his front door had ceased and Eli closed his eyes waiting for death to come upon him. However, he heard creaks as light illuminated his home from the front portion of the house. Shuffling of steps echoed across the floor as they made their way over to Eli.

He felt someone beside him and within a flash of a moment; he was in the arms of a girl; not as a corpse, but fully alive.


	2. Chapter 2

_12 Hours Earlier; four fifty in the morning._

"Why did you do it?" bellowed a voice.

Eli awoke with a jolt; forcing his eyes to open. He wiped away the crust that he felt wedged on the side of his sockets. His mother was standing overhead; eyes full of pure anger, but at the same time dazed as well.

"Why did you do it?" her voice roared again through the small confines of his bedroom. Eli wrinkled his nose in disgust as an overwhelming odor of alcohol filled his nostrils. It was bitter and unpleasant. He let out a short hack before regaining his sense of composure. His mom was drunk yet again, which was no surprise to Eli. He knew it was going to be a bad night. He would rather her be high out of her mind for at least then she would be mellowed out in some other part the house. With money tight lately, he knew that drugs for his mom were harder to come by causing him to have to deal with her drinking instead.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Eli spat. He had no fear when it came to his mother's sudden disturbances in the middle of the night. It happened three to five times a week; well, three if Eli was on a sudden streak of luck.

"Don't…"his mother let out a loud belch before continuing. "Don't ever dare to use that tone of voice with me. I know what you did. And here you lay in your bed acting all innocent."

Eli rolled his eyes and made sure his mother saw it. It didn't matter what he did whether it would be to admit this so called wrong doing he had committed, or put on his tough exterior. The outcome would always be the same. There was nothing that anyone could do to diffuse the situation at hand.

"You're a real bastard, Eli, you really fucking are!" His mother grabbed the edges of Eli's collar and lifted him upward out of his bed. The collar pushed into the back of Eli's neck creating a burning sensation. He was thrown to the floor; his back and head receiving most of the fall.

There was instant pain as Eli had crashed onto the tile. His back ached and it seemed as if his skull was throbbing. Eli's vision was hazy and the room was spinning which gave him no advantage over trying to avoid any other antic his mother was thinking of trying on him. He fought back a wave of nausea that was creeping up his esophagus. He tried closing his eyes to rid himself of the dizzy feeling, but it only made it worse, for he felt that his whole body was on some kind of deadly merry – go round.

Eli managed to open his eyes in the knick of time for her saw his mother raise her right hand with his lamp clutched in between her fingertips. With a quick sense of thinking, Eli elevated his arms to shelter his face from the impending attack. Suddenly, he felt a hard object collide with his limbs and in a moment's time glass, and hard plastic showered his body. The pieces that didn't hit him landed onto the floor and shattered into even more fragmented shards.

There were multiple stings that pressed against Eli's skin for he knew that the glass had cut through his flesh. He felt the presence of warm, hot, liquid run down his arms. The ability to move his body had been worse than before. Yet, he continued his short breaths, praying with all his might for this to be over. His body had suffered enough for this morning.

His prayers weren't answered for he heard his mother's overbearing footsteps stop beside him. Eli let his eyelids slowly shut for he didn't want to look at the woman who had given birth to him almost eighteen years ago. This wasn't her. This was the devil that had taken over her body. To be honest, Eli couldn't even remember a time when his mother wasn't in a rampage.

Ignoring his thoughts of a past life, he begged for this all to end and for his mother to just go into her room. There she would pass out for a few hours before getting up and leaving for work.

"You lying ungrateful, son of a bitch!" she hollered and ended her sentence with a swift kick to Eli's ribs.

Eli let out a scream as the impact sent a sharp pain rippling through his body. There were two more brutal blows to his side and finally his mother exited the room, leaving more damage than Eli wanted in the early hours of the morning.

Taking in simple amounts of air was now an effort. Each contraction of his lungs was putting Eli in more of a predicament than it was keeping him alive. He lowered his arms that were still around his face; maneuvering them around the glass and blood filled rubble. He allowed his fingers to trace the outline of his ribs hoping the pain would stop soon. He knew he had to get up, but the floor felt so inviting, so relieving, in order not to disturb his wounds even further. However, the evidence left behind of what happened had to be washed away.

Overcoming his body's wishes to stay in place, Eli pushed himself upward and then crumpled back down to the floor.

The pain forced him to remain still. Every part of him was sore. He could only wonder how many bruises would form on his body within the upcoming hours. His eyesight was focused now, but his head still beat rhythmically from hitting the floor. His arms still bled, not as profound as before, but still enough for Eli to feel the blood ooze from his wounds. His ribs on the other hand had not ceased hurting his body. His bones felt as though they were going to crumble. The underlying muscles felt as though they were bruising more and more each second. He hoped he didn't have any internal damages because if that were the case, his life would be over rather fast. Then again, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all to happen.

Trying to calm the numerous amounts of cries from his body, Eli drifted off to sleep; hoping that the numbness of his slumber would cure his injuries.

_Xxx_

Eli awoke due to a ray of sunlight shining through his window. He felt like he had a hangover of some kind with a headache in full blast and the twinge of pain every half a minute coming from his ribs. It wasn't as bad as it had been a few hours ago; not by far, but Eli still felt awful.

He listened quietly for a minute and to his relief, he realized his mother had left for work which means it had to be past seven thirty in the morning. With that as his motivation, Eli was able to lift his body and examine what had happened.

Blood had dried on the floor and glass was everywhere, from the edges of his bed all the way to where the opening of his room was. It looked like a crime scene that one would see on television, but to Eli it wasn't. It was reality.

Eli forced himself down the stairs leading into the kitchen; clinging onto the banister as he did so. He allowed his weight to be shifted upon the railing of the stairs so he wouldn't feel so much soreness along his ribcage. He made it into the kitchen finally, and gathered a few materials to clean up; a shovel and dust pail, a rag, and some floor polish. Mustering the items in his hands, Eli repeated the process he had just done as he made his way back up to his room.

He swept his entire room making sure he had left no remainders behind. His body told him to stop what he was doing and rest, but Eli continued on. He knelt down on his hands and knees soon afterwards, scrubbing away the red spots from the floor. Within a half hour, his room was in a decent enough shape for Eli to put the cleaning products away and head into the shower.

He stripped away his clothes that clung to his skin ever so tightly after the amount of sweat that had filled him from last night. When he was naked, Eli stared at his reflection astonished; thinking to himself that he didn't recognize his body anymore. His torso was lined with bruises saturated in a purple color. His arms were covered in small cuts, but the number of them was overwhelming. They were jagged slits that were sketched with a bright red coloring, making them noticeable to even the blind eye.

Shaking his head in disgust, Eli climbed into the shower and allowed the heat of the water to sooth his damaged skin. It was then he felt the slightest bit better as he rubbed away the stained blood and rid his body of the stench of sweat. His muscles took in a sense of joy as the water loosened up the tense feeling that caused him pain.

As Eli massaged his scalp, he felt a small bump in the back of his head. He didn't bother getting upset over that fact and just allowed the flow of water to pulsate along the swollen area. He stayed in the shower for a good twenty minutes before emerging out of it. His body was raw from the high temperature of the shower, but Eli didn't mind.

He glanced at the clock across from the shower and wondered if he should attempt to go to school or would it be too noticeable that something was wrong? Eli shrugged it off and figured a long black sleeved shirt would cover his arms well and if he concentrated, he would be able to walk without a limp. Getting out of the house would benefit him and it was with that idea that Eli prepared himself for school.


	3. Chapter 3

_Nine hours earlier; approximately 8:30 in the morning_

Eli had managed to enter Degrassi, going unnoticed as he had been for the last four years. He couldn't believe that he was a senior and on his way to graduating in a matter of months. However, the boring classes that led up to that moment of leaving here for good was ticking by slowly.

Eli sat in his seat in English class; his gaze distant from the board where a bunch of notes had been piled on. While everyone was scribbling away fiercely in their books, Eli was busy doodling the random words that buzzed around in his head. Suicide, death, and pain were his infamous three. He drew them in bolded letters and followed by shading them with the side of his pencil. By the middle of the lecture, he had decorated an entire page of his notebook with his depressive artwork.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, I haven't heard you speak all semester so far, would you like to enlighten us with your thoughts?" a voice asked sternly.

Eli shook his head and brought his attention back onto the lesson. What book were they reading again? The title escaped him for a few moments until it came to mind; The Catcher in the Rye.

He raised his eyebrow unable to remember what his teacher had been babbling on about for the last twenty minutes. "Uh…what were we talking about exactly, Ms. Dawes?" For some reason, he felt regretful that he hadn't been paying attention. Then again, he had a lot of other stuff on his mind to try and cope with.

She rolled her eyes and repeated the topic of discussion louder than she had before, in order to make sure Eli paid attention this time. "What is the significance of the protagonist, Holden, saving children from falling off a cliff?"

Ms. Dawes' eyes narrowed and interlocked with Eli's as she waited for his response. It seemed as if the rest of the class were watching him too. Eli licked his lips nervously and thought about the question quickly.

"It's simple isn't it? The children hold true to one of the most important themes that the book has to offer. They represent the whole essence that is Holden Caulfield. Throughout the novel, Holden states how he hates phonies and that there are so many of them that he sees from day to day. He feels that adults are the most corrupted people on the planet. They're the ones that run the world into the ground. I can't say I disagree with that statement."

Flashes of his mother played in Eli's mind like a slideshow before he continued with his analysis. "The children falling off the cliff represent how easily innocence is being lost and the so called "catcher" needs to save them for they hold the key to a peaceful society. They see no harm or bias that the world entraps in its clutches. It is only when they grow up that they learn how messed up the world really is, hence why youth is so valuable, but yet so fragile as well."

The expression on Ms. Dawes' face said it all. She was baffled by Eli's deep interpretation; one that she knew one hundred percent matched up with that of her own. She wasn't prepared for such a response from a student whose mind, and body never seemed connected. Yes, Eli was present in the room, but his brain never seemed to function on the thoughts of the topic at hand.

Unable to reprimand him any further, Ms. Dawes simply said, "Wow, well done, Eli." She returned her attention to the class who seemed just as taken aback by Eli's words as Ms. Dawes had been. "You guys could learn something from Mr. Goldsworthy over here."

Had Eli's ears deceived him? Was he actually getting a compliment for reading and finding the meaning in a book with his utter common sense? He pushed the thought away and returned to his previous phase of detaching himself from the world, hoping to find a sense of peace in his thoughts.

Soon enough, class was over and Eli hurried to leave. He gathered his supplies and tucked them in the nook of his arm. As he turned to go, he bumped into the girl that sat behind him. His notebook and pen dropped to the floor in a heap.

Eli didn't give the girl an opportunity to apologize although, he could tell she wanted to by how flushed her cheeks were over the incident. He reclaimed his items and rushed out into the wave of students heading to their next location.

_Xxx_

Eli made sure that he sat in the most secluded corner of the cafeteria. He had no desire to eat lunch. In fact, he had no appetite at all. Music blared through his headphones as he toned out the noise that filled the lunchroom. Everyone was sitting with their groups of friends, talking, laughing, eating, and enjoying what seemed to be a much better life than he had.

He shifted in his seat and was ready to rest his eyes which were filled with the desire to sleep when he took notice of the girl from his English class. She was headed towards a table where a dark haired girl was waving eagerly and sending her an over enthusiastic type of grin. Eli watched for a few seconds as she made her way to the table and sat down.

The girl had an interesting appearance. Her light brown hair flowed from the top of her head in straight strands until it got to the ends, where it curled gracefully. Her skin was a porcelain shade of white and her eyes were such a bold, crystal type of blue. He had never seen eyes like hers before. She held a charisma of uniqueness to Eli.

The appeal soon faded however, as he saw a serious wave of emotion unfold upon every ounce of her face as she gestured for her friend to lean in. Eli let out a grunt and closed his eyes. _She's probably telling her a rumor,_ he thought to himself. _For some reason I was considering she might have been better than mainstream gossip._

Suddenly, he felt a violent shake against his shoulder and peeked out to see an unwanted visitor; Fitz. He was known as the kid to not be messed with, but yet Fitz meddled in everyone's business regardless. "Move it, gothic boy." The voice of the boy was unable to be heard due to Eli's blaring music, but he was rather good at reading lips.

When Eli shook his head as his way of saying no, he felt his headphones being ripped off of their place by his ears and thrown to the floor. The cafeteria quieted and all attention was now on both of the boys.

"I said move it, gothic boy," the boy demanded.

Since Eli was in no condition to fight, he stood up and began to leave when abruptly, he found himself slamming into the nearest wall. He landed chest first, reigniting the pain that had dimmed down in his ribs. Seizing hold of his side, Eli grabbed his headphones and escorted himself out of the lunchroom which at the moment was filled with laughter and the bully's cheers.

It was clear to Eli now that even at school he wasn't wanted. Of all the people to pick on it had to be him? Did he scream out that he wanted to be fucked with? Was an 'it's okay to do horrible things to me' sticker plastered onto his forehead? What had he done in that past that led his life to be so agonizing now? What was this punishment for? Eli would give anything to turn back the clock and rewind time to when he was happy, bruise free, and grateful for having the gift of life.

But that time had long since faded and Eli knew that there was no place to be used as a safety net for him. His mind was made up now. He would force death upon his own hand.

**A/N: I know this is a shorter chapter than those previously posted, but it's building up to some Eclare and more angst, so be sure to stay tuned. xD**


	4. Chapter 4

_Present Time; Four fifty nine in the afternoon._

"Oh, thank god," the girl breathed as she pressed her index and middle finger to Eli's neck. She could feel his pulse brushing against them.

Eli forced his head upward to look at the girl who had rushed in to save his life and it was her; the girl from his English class. Her face was filled with relief and also a miniscule hint of fear that Eli only noticed in the depths of her eyes.

It was in that moment that he felt a tight knot seep into his throat. He blinked in succession trying to fight back tears, but the hysterics started before Eli had any control over stopping them. Numerous thoughts flooded his head. He could have been dead; deleted from this world. He was so certain that's what he wanted for himself. He was in that moment of no turning back. He was accepting of eternal blackness and whatever afterlife may have came after that. But now, his mind had done a one eighty on him and was in a whole other state of thinking. The idea of death to say the least…terrified him.

His heart hammered rapidly in his chest; so hard in fact that Eli could have sworn that it would break out of his already fragile skin. Sweat began to drip from Eli's forehead and he could taste the small ounce of salt on his lips. _I could have been dead, I could have been dead._ The thought toyed with his mind so menacingly and manipulatively that it made Eli sick to even think about.

"It's okay, it's going to be okay," the girl whispered softly into Eli's ear. She stroked the edges of his shaggy hair and held him for a few minutes until his heart's vigorous pattern of beating slowed to a much calmer level. In addition, he had also calmed his crying, from heaving sobs to gentle whimpers.

"I'm going to get you out of here. I think it's best if you get a change of scenery." The girl's words were sincere as she leaned Eli up against the nearest wall; afraid that he would fall to the ground without the support of her holding him up.

Eli watched from his place as she dragged the chair back into its original spot by the table in the kitchen. She grabbed both the noose and suicide note from the floor and trashed them into the garbage pail a few steps away. She stood frozen, examining everything that she had done.

She made her way over towards Eli whose eyes were empty and lost as the gears of his mind turned; pouring out more and more thoughts as seconds ticked by. Small glimpses of today's events would not vanish. They were the cause for his failed suicide attempt and in all honesty, Eli was glad he was unsuccessful. He allowed his hand to wander up to his neck and feel the bumpy outline of where the noose had clenched around him; threatening to kill him. He remembers the impact of the fall into the fixed rope when he shot the chair backwards with one hit from his feet. He remembers how tight it was around his neck and for a split second how he yearned to not be hanging from the doorframe of his kitchen. His wish had been granted, but yet Eli was still so full of apprehension, not at the action of hanging himself, but of his mental capacity that drew him there.

The girl outstretched her hand and said, "Will you come with me for a bit? I think some fresh air might help clear you mind. It looks a little dark in there." She flashed a genuine smile as she tried to relieve the tension in the air.

Eli allowed his hand to take hold of this girl's and she hoisted him up onto his own feet. There was no indecision, for Eli did not want to decline her offer.

_Xxx_

The girl brought Eli to 'The Dot' where she purchased him a cup of coffee and herself a green tea. She guided him to a table in the corner, far off from where most customers sat.

With a heartfelt tone that Eli could not miss, she said, "I'm Clare. You don't have to speak to me if you don't want to. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Eli's expression remained indifferent as he tried to process that someone was actually concerned about him and his well being.

Clare eyed Eli diligently as his hands took a weak grip upon the handle of the cup that his drink was in. As he tried to touch the coffee to his lips, his hands shook causing Eli to have to place them back onto the table beside his beverage.

Eli grew frustrated at the lack of control he had with his hands, but no matter how much attentiveness he put into keeping them still, it failed. Eli caught of glimpse of Clare as she studied him like some kind of experiment in science class. He didn't know whether to take offense or empathize with her considering she had just saved him from a drastic event.

As his curiosity wondered, Eli tried to form words and talk to Clare, but each time he opened his mouth, nothing came out. However, Clare did not show desire to leave him or any irritation towards the fact that they weren't speaking a single word to each other. Those mere facts made Eli like her just a bit more than he already did.

"I'm Eli," he said, his voice containing no sort of confidence whatsoever. It sounded almost lifeless.

"I know who you are, Eli. You've been sitting in front of me all year long so far." Clare's face lightened up drastically and she let out a tiny laugh.

A small smile traced the outlines of Eli's lips before returning to an all serious expression. "How did…"Eli's voice broke as he tried to phase the question he was trying to ask as easily as he could. "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" Clare asked simply. She took a fast sip from her tea.

Eli clasped his hands together nervously. "How did you know of my…intentions for this afternoon?" Eli couldn't gather enough strength in him to utter the word, suicide.

Clare chewed on her tongue before digging into her purse that rested on her lap. After shuffling through it, she pulled out a scrunched up piece of paper and placed it in the middle of the table once she had unraveled it. Eli's eyes expanded with shame as he saw what the page contained; his earlier picture from English.

"I'm sorry if you think I was invading your privacy in any way, but when you bumped into me, this fell out of your notebook. I wanted to return it, but you left so quickly, I didn't have the chance." Clare's cheeks flushed to the same color of scarlet they had turned earlier that day. "I'm not one for snooping, but with something as dire as this, I thought it might be necessary."

Eli shook his head as Clare finished speaking. "Don't apologize, Clare. It's because of you that I have my life which I so foolishly wanted to throw away." Repulsion consumed Eli as he saw the paper lying on the table between him and Clare. He grabbed it and crumpled it into the smallest ball he could before tossing it away. It was then that Eli felt a bit more secure in himself and he was able to gulp down a few bits of coffee without any interruptions from his hands.

"I was glad I could help, Eli," Clare said soothingly. "How's the coffee treating you?"

"It feels really good on an empty stomach. I haven't eaten since yesterday night." And the fact was true for Eli heard a loud grumbling in his lower half which he hadn't seemed to notice while he was in his empty state of mind.

Clare looked flustered. "Oh, I didn't know you were hungry! Would you like me to get you something at all?" She began to prop herself up from her chair.

Eli refused Clare's offer. "No, no, it's fine. I think you've done more than enough for me today," he said as he softly clutched Clare's wrist. Clare's eyes flickered to Eli's hand upon her skin and her gaze seemed to admire it appreciatively. It was not until she sat back down again did Eli release his hand.

"I do have two things to ask you though, both that I had been thinking about as I made my way over here with you, actually."

"Shoot," Clare said.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Well, I work for the newspaper and we tend to do a lot of digging while writing articles and stuff. I searched your name into the school's database and found your address. I know it wasn't exactly legal, but I felt I had to do it." Clare rambled through her sentence so fast that Eli had barely caught every word that poured out of her mouth.

"Are you sure you said that snooping wasn't your thing?" Eli teased and Clare instantly looked ashamed of herself.

"Relax, Clare, I'm just messing with you." Eli acknowledged that for some reason, the old Eli was resurfacing as he sat across from Clare. He couldn't put his finger on the trait of hers that was bringing out his inner self, but he didn't want to question it. He felt a sense of comfortableness, wittiness, and sarcasm that unfolded around his prolonging feelings of sadness.

"What's your second question or are you going to mock me further?" She taunted back with a sense of false evilness behind her words.

Eli leaned in and murmured softly, "Why did you go through all that for someone you didn't even know?"

As soon as Eli asked that question, he could tell that it overwhelmed Clare, but not negatively. She seemed to be fumbling with her words like he had been doing just moments ago. "There was something special about you, Eli, from the moment you entered the classroom door. You had not spoken, or made any effort to be noticed at all and I guess you could say I questioned why, to myself previously. However, when you gave your interpretation on the book we were reading without even putting an ounce of exertion into it, I knew then, that my speculations were correct. When I found what had come out of your notebook, I was shocked. Someone like you Eli, with that kind of gift didn't deserve to have their life taken away. No one deserves that actually, but I knew that you had something worth living for."

Utter silence took over as Eli couldn't even find an appropriate response to Clare's moving words. She had done the one thing that no one in his life ever did; believed in him fully. Even though they had no sense of preceding history in their relationship, Clare had a tiny glimmer of hope for him; something Eli wanted to gain for himself in the near future.

There was a small beeping noise that came from inside Clare's bag and she searched through it almost immediately, retrieving her phone. Her face wrinkled sourly.

"What's wrong?" asked Eli.

Clare lowered her phone and said, "I have to meet up with Katie and turn in my article for tomorrow's edition of the paper. Will you be alright Eli, because I have no problem cancelling and –"

Eli cut her off and ushered her to go. Clare stood up to leave flattening out the tiny folds of her skirt as she did. As she was about to exit, she faced Eli and said, "Please don't ever try to kill yourself again, Eli Goldsworthy. You mean more to the world than you know yet." And it was with those final words in which Clare left.


	5. Chapter 5

Eli stayed behind at 'The Dot' for an hour longer after Clare left. He slowly had sipped his coffee until there was nothing left and even ordered himself a second one. Why hadn't he noticed Clare all this time? Well, he had, but he had suppressed the thoughts of her to the back of his mind, until now.

He recalled some discussions they had in class and how Clare was actively participative in them. She was the definition of intelligence, with her proper grammar, intuition, and heart. She poured all of these components into her speech as she tried to get each of her points across solidly; to whoever was in the room with her.

Eli took his last sips of his second cup full of coffee and examined his surroundings outside. It was pouring raining. The sky was a sinister shade of gray and loud echoes of thunder boomed over the neighborhood. Eli didn't take any interest in trying to prevent his body from getting wet. Instead, he walked past all of the people who were eyeing the storm, obviously waiting for it to stop, and proceeded outside into the downpour.

The rain beat down on his clothes and skin, soaking Eli within an instant. His black shirt felt as though it were a part of him and his jeans had changed colors from blue to navy. His shoes slopped in the giant puddles that had formed on the sidewalk. His naturally messy hair had fallen flat and his bangs were dangling in Eli's right eye. Eli trudged onward against the strong elements that Mother Nature was reigning down upon him.

However, even with the hassle, Eli craved for this type of weather above all else. He enjoyed how the clouds covered the sun creating the illusion of an early night time. He loved how there was nothing to listen to aside from rain drops slamming against the pavement. He took pleasure in watching everyone run inside to the shelter of their homes leaving the streets empty to wander around at his leisure. Usually in this weather, Eli grabbed the chance of walking around aimlessly, experiencing a particular calmness about the world that kept him sane.

Today of all days was perfect for this encounter and Eli did not waste a moment turning down streets of the Toronto area. He passed the library, as well as the park, Degrassi, the shopping center, and eventually 'The Dot' after a full scale tour of the area was complete. No Street had been left unturned in Eli's journey.

By then, it was about eight 'o clock and Eli figured it would be a good time to head home. His mother was usually at the bar by now leaving Eli with a sanctuary to enjoy in his room, until she returned in the peak hours of the morning.

_Xxx_

Eli had slept through the night soundlessly without any interruptions from his mother. By the sound of it, she hadn't even made it home and probably had just gone straight to work. It was a sense of relief for Eli to not be awoken in his sleep and be beaten to his mother's content. He still had the cuts from the other night that had started to scab. The bruises on his ribs were now outlined with a yellowish tint indicating that they were now going to slowly vanish from his skin. Yet, certain movements Eli made would have to be subtle, or else he'd feel a painful tugging in his muscles.

As he sat on the edge of his bed, he watched his feet dangle just above the floor. He saw the sun casting shadows upon almost every object in his room. He looked at his skull covered sheets and felt the softness between his fingertips. Just yesterday, he thought he'd never see any of this again. The fact that he was still alive was miraculous to say the least and all because of Clare.

Eli smiled as the thought of her appeared in his mind. She was beautiful to say the least and had the ability to easily care for someone that was previously a stranger to her. He was glad that above everyone else, Clare had chosen his life to intervene in because he was one hundred percent sure that if it wasn't for her, he'd be dead. Eli would have been another statistic in the already overwhelming numbers of teen suicide. And with his new found life, Eli knew he never again wanted to be close to that place that had triggered him over the edge.

_Xxx_

Eli made his way to English class eagerly; something he was not used to doing. He sat in front of Clare and turned around to greet her.

"How did your meeting with Katie go yesterday?"

Clare shrugged. "She wasn't too thrilled by my article. She said it was too complex and full of hyperbole that wasn't suiting for this type of story." She rolled her eyes and began to pick at her fingernails. "I've been having a terrible case of writer's block and it would be really nice if it could go away." She rolled her eyes angrily, not in Eli's direction, but at her desk.

"We all get like that sometimes. You can't get too worked up about it," Eli responded.

"It's not that easy when you're part of the paper and are expected to have hard hitting stories all the time," Clare scoffed.

Eli ruffled the top of her hair and said, "Calm down, Clare. I'm sure you'll do fine for your next article. Just breathe a bit."

Clare's frustration loosened up as Eli continued on with the conversation; thanking her once again for everything included in yesterday's affairs and how he hoped they could hang out again soon.

Before Clare could answer Eli, Ms. Dawes walked into the room with a stack of papers in one hand and a giant thermos full of an unknown beverage in the other. She dropped all the items onto her desk and cleared her throat impatiently until the class settled down. Eli turned back around to face the front of the class; alert for the first time since he had been there.

"Okay people, I have an exciting project for all of you to take a hold of. I happened to think about it last night while that rain storm was going on. Wasn't it rather lovely?" Ms. Dawes asked dreamily. The amount of confused gestures in the room at the time was endless.

Ms. Dawes ignored the obvious looks and continued talking. "I'm going to be giving a month for this project because I want creativity, passion, and knowledge put into this assignment. I don't want any last minute pieces of work." She eyed three students in the far corner of the room whom were known to be slackers.

"Anyways, back onto the topic at hand. I will be giving everyone a particular topic related to life problems, lessons, and philosophies. Then each student will hand in a well written five page paper on their interpretations, thoughts, and my most favorite part, relations to themselves. For this I will be requiring it to be done in pairs which I have already picked out. I figured it would be good for some of you to get to know each other better." The class groaned on cue except for Clare, who Eli seemed to notice was rather intrigued by the project.

Ms. Dawes reached for the top paper off the stack on her desk and began to read out names and who was matched up with them. Secretly, Eli had his fingers crossed under the table for Clare. She was the only one he knew or had any interest in. He didn't want to have a scummy partner amongst all the other stuff he had to focus on.

Eli's ears perked up as he heard Ms. Dawes call out Clare's name. She smiled to herself before saying, "Clare Edwards, you are paired with Mr. Goldsworthy over here. I have a feeling you guys will be very helpful to each other this year." She winked at both of them and Eli couldn't be any more delighted to have an excuse to work with Clare.

Clare tapped Eli on the shoulder immediately after hearing the news and her face was beaming with joy. "It looks like I'll be taking you up on that hangout offer after all since we have a project to do."

"Oh yeah, Clare, hide behind the fact that we have school work. Just admit you'd love to spend time with me." Eli smirked.

Clare shook her head, feigning that she was irritated by Eli, but he knew she wasn't, not even in the slightest bit. Instead she plastered on a small smirk of her own and said, "Never."

_Xxx_

Three weeks had passed by quickly for Eli. He had spent almost every day working with Clare on the project Ms. Dawes had assigned. They were given the topic of "what give someone innocence?" which Eli was positive didn't happen to be a coincidence.

Both he and Clare worked smoothly together, never once arguing or having a clash of ideas. Eli found that he had a lot in common with Clare when it came to an artistic aspect. They had similar writing styles except for that fact that Eli tended to cool down Clare's use of figurative language, while she eliminated his overuse of words. 'The Dot' had been graced with their business at least four days a week for Eli and Clare loved having a good amount of food and drinks to keep their energy high. They would work until nine o'clock each night and it felt to Eli as though they had been long lost friends since day one. They laughed often, told each other personal memoirs of their life, and began to sculpt a relationship that was developing rapidly.

Eli didn't mention that his mother abused him to Clare. She knew of the bad ending with his parent's marriage, but he didn't go into much detail past that.

He couldn't begin to figure out how he'd tell her such a thing and what her reaction would even be. He had a feeling she knew something had been wrong with him when she'd catch him struggling to perform a usually simple physical task. There was a hidden suffering of guilt in Eli's mind with each moment passing by that he didn't tell Clare.

His mother was infuriated with the fact that he not home often and over the course of the three weeks he had been out, his mother had grown into more of a villain than before. Her hits were not as repetitive. Instead they were stronger. Eli had newly formed marks all along his arms thanks to his mother taking hold of him and slamming him into the nearest wall. His back was tender and he felt like his spine would crack under any immense pressure. His lower stomach was devoured by soreness for he had taken a few harsh blows to his torso. His ribs hadn't been bothered in the longest time, but he knew a swift hit would be coming there soon since the rest of his body had been damaged. His mother never once struck Eli's face for she never wanted his secret life to become public.

It was the beginning of Clare's and Eli's fourth week into the project, when Clare had texted him a question that ignited butterflies in his stomach.

"Would you like to come over to my house to work instead of our usual place? I'm running out of cash." She sent a small smiley with its tongue sticking out.

Instantly, Eli wrote back saying, "It sounds like a plan. I'm kind of broke too. Send me your address and I'll be there in ten."

Clare's address appeared on Eli's phone screen in a matter of seconds and within a few more movements from the clock hand, Eli was out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

"I am seriously so tired of doing this right now," Clare sighed as she dropped her pencil onto the neon pink carpet beside her bed.

Eli stifled a yawn and stretched his arms above his head. "I agree completely." They had been adding their finishing touches to an overly researched and developed scrutiny of Ms. Dawes' topic.

Clare closed her laptop and collected some drafts that she and Eli had been working on from her desk. She organized them neatly into a pile before placing them delicately into her drawer. Afterwards she sat at the beginning of her bed where a bunch of pillows were fluffed up against the headboard. She motioned for Eli to sit with her which he did immediately.

Clare readjusted her bangs before speaking. "Let's play a game," she said excitedly.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Did you ever hear of twenty one questions?" asked Clare crossing her legs and leaning back against the wave of pillows beneath her.

Eli shook his head. "Nope, how do you play?" Truth is Eli had never been much of a game fan, or player. He tended to let music fill that gap in the entertainment department.

"It's simple. We alternate turns asking each other whatever random thing is on our mind. Does that sound fair enough?" Clare cocked her head to the side waiting for Eli's response.

"Sure, sounds good," Eli said extending his legs outward onto the bed making sure he didn't hit Clare. God, he had such a longing for her as he sat across from her. Spending time with her had made him realize how much he had grown to care for her and there was no doubt in his mind that he knew he'd fall hard for her.

It was the way her hair was so different from most girls he had seen in school; not pin straight or wavy. It was how her eyes were so striking that they sucked you in to an extensive amount of emotions just by a glance. It was how her lips were tainted with such a light pink color and how they arched beautifully to fit the frame of her face. They were so inviting and they beckoned Eli daily to kiss them with all the power he had. It was her curvy, unique, body that made him crave her. But overall, it was her soul and the being inside of her that made Eli know that he could love Clare with all he had; something he never thought he'd ever experience with anyone.

"Since you're new at this, I'll go first," Clare said. "Okay, hmm, what's your favorite season and why?"

"I would have to say spring," Eli said without a second thought. "It's not too hot or too cold and I like the constant rain it brings." He touched his finger to his chin as he picked a question for Clare. "What's your worse fear and why?"

"Oh, going for the personal stuff already, eh?" Clare laughed playfully. "My biggest fear would probably be drowning. My uncle had wanted to teach me how to swim since he decided I was old enough to learn. So he took me to his pool one afternoon and threw me in without any warning. I was so scared and I couldn't breathe. I remember thrashing around under the water for about half a minute before my uncle realized what was going on. That feeling made me almost want to never go back into any ocean or pool ever again." Clare shuddered as the memory replayed in her head.

"I'm going to guess here and say he's not your favorite relative?" Eli inquired.

"What are you talking about? We're super close," Clare retorted, her words ironically sinking in sarcasm. "Let's see, what makes you angry?"

"I would have to say most of the population."

Clare gasped and slapped her hand against her chest. "Even me?" she exclaimed with puppy dog eyes.

"Nah, never once have you gotten on my nerves, Clare." Eli embraced the small smile that had become visible on Clare's face before continuing with the game. "Why did you get into the newspaper?"

"It was a way to put my writing out there. I've always used it as a coping method to deal with my life, but since I want to make a career out of it in the future, I considered that I might as well start small and work my way up." She paused. "I'm going to recycle an idea here, but what's your biggest fear and why?"

Eli pondered this for a bit because the one thing that had originally scared him the most, being his mother, no longer made a dent in his nerves. He wasn't afraid of the common fears such as bugs, heights, falling, or even what Clare had mentioned earlier about drowning. "Would death be an odd or irrational thing to say considering how we met?"

Clare pressed her lips into a line as she took into account what Eli had just said. "Nope, if anything I think it would be rather normal to feel that way."

"Which animal is your favorite?" It was definitely a random thing to be popping out of Eli's mouth.

"I'd have to say a dog. They're always really cuddly and adorable. I always wanted one of my own when I moved out." Clare reached behind her and pulled out a stuffed animal that resembled a Labrador retriever. "See?" she said, giggling like a small child. "Anyways, here's an easy one for you, Eli. What's your favorite color and why?"

"It's not black, if that's what you're probably thinking."

"It's not?" Clare asked shockingly.

Eli tugged at the seam of his black shirt which didn't help prove his case. "My favorite color is red actually. It just always happened to grab my attention because it was a bold, in your face kind of shade."

"So why do you wear so much black all the time then?"

Eli held up his hand. "We're skipping turns now?" He then released a small laugh. "And well, I guess it's just my way of intimidating people so no one bugs me. It's worked for the last four years minus the encounters with Fitz here and there. Then again, nothing stops him."

Clare concurred. She twirled the edges of her curls before saying, "I was never scared of you."

Eli raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? You weren't the tiniest bit taken aback when I strutted in with my all death blaring attire?"

"No I wasn't actually. I assumed that if you liked black that much you had the right to wear it. They're only clothes."

Eli grinned. "You really are something, Clare." As soon as the words left his lips, Eli felt a rush of warm heat against his cheeks. He knew his usually white skin was now flushed to that of a light pink. But yet, he wasn't regretful of saying what he had said. He was more anxious of her reaction.

"Thank you, Eli. I'd have to go ahead and say the same for you. Now since I went out of turn very abruptly, you can hit me with some juicy questions as payback."

Eli rubbed his hands together and pondered a question that had just been implanted into his brain at that precise moment. "Have you ever been in love, Clare?" he blurted out.

Clare's eyes and expression remained nonchalant. "No, I haven't. I mean I've dated two guys in the past, but it never got serious. I never felt anything remotely close with either of them to say those words. Honestly, there'd have to be a special connection for me to even understand such a feeling of love."

Eli bit his lip nervously as another idea fluttered into the seeds of his mind. Taking a giant gulp of air into his lungs, he asked, "What about with me?"

There was a sudden pounding in Eli's chest and a whirlwind of turning in his stomach. He didn't know what made him become so blunt. He hoped Clare wasn't freaked out by him now or that he had broken any ounce of their friendship.

Clare lingered on the issue for a few moments which didn't help Eli's panic attack that was leading his body. The silence dragged on before Clare responded. "I think I could."

Time ceased to exist as the words echoed in Eli's ears. Clare could grow to love him? This fragile, disturbed, hurt, boy was the one that she could possibly love? The same person who she had saved from killing himself? Was it really true? It was a shock; one that sent a tingling sensation through Eli's body.

And it was with those words in play that Eli inched his way over to Clare. He locked his green eyes with her blue ones and he knew that this was the right thing to do. He leaned in towards her feeling her breathe on his lips. Eli could not control himself any longer for he cupped his hand under Clare's chin and titled her head upward before crushing his lips against hers.

It was wonderful as their lips meshed together. Clare tasted sweet and Eli couldn't even begin to describe the back flipping his heart was doing. He put his hand around her waist and pulled her into him, not once wanting her to part from his grasp.

He felt her tongue lick his bottom lip before entering his mouth so effortlessly. A small moan escaped him which he had no control over. The kiss grew rougher and more passionate with their tongues colliding and their lips feverishly meeting over and over again. Clare's hand had wandered to the ends of Eli's hair. She tugged on it releasing another groaning noise from Eli's part. As they continued to kiss, Eli could feel the corners of Clare's mouth shape into a smile and it only drove Eli to proceed further.

He crawled on top of her making sure to equally distribute his body weight so he wouldn't hurt her frame. Their lips did not part once and Clare's hands slid down his vertebrae. Eli could feel her breasts pressed against his chest and how her legs were intertwined with his.

He loved how close he was with Clare and that he could smell her lavender perfume radiating from her body. He indulged himself in the smoothness of her skin.

He trailed the small hourglass shape of her curves with the palms of his hands. Eli must have tickled her for she squirmed a bit beneath him. That was when he pulled away and he saw the aftermath of their kiss. Clare was out of breath and she looked like she was in a daze, but one of the good kinds.

Eli stroked her face with the side of his thumb and whispered softly, "Clare Edwards, you are the most beautiful girl in the world."


	7. Chapter 7

"You know, people who listen to music constantly tend to be more depressed than those who don't," mocked Clare as she walked early into English class and saw Eli in his seat with his headphones glued to his ears.

Eli observed Clare's attendance and removed them from his ears, bestowing them upon his collarbone. "Was that a joke that my lady just threw at me?"

Clare sat on his lap and pecked him on the lips firmly. "Maybe," she said cheerfully. She removed herself from the top of his thighs and took her seat behind him.

Eli and Clare had been dating for the past week, ever since Eli had worked up the courage to kiss her. He couldn't have been happier to have Clare by his side. There was no doubt in Eli's mind that they were perfect for each other. The feelings that he had already developed for her were at a staggering high and even at that level, he knew there was still so much more he could give her.

"So, did you print out each of our copies for the project due today? Sorry, I couldn't do it. My printer exploded on me." She pouted her lip and crossed her arms.

Eli tapped her nose with his index finger and replied, "Don't worry, Clare. I handled it last night. See?" Eli swung his book bag that was dangling on the back of his chair and placed it onto his desk. He then dug through it and pulled out two neatly stapled reports.

Clare grabbed a copy and began to skim through it. "You made some changes, I notice?" She furrowed her brow as she read faster through the reports. "Wow, Eli, this is fantastic!" she cried out. "I didn't know you could write like this. Why didn't you ever put more input in before, while we were brainstorming?" Clare held the paper tightly in her clutches and continued to read onward, astounded more and more with each flip of a page.

"I was too entranced by being with you. Besides, I didn't think it was that great. I just added a bit more of a relation to me so Ms. Dawes wouldn't think your opinion outshone mine. You know how picky she was about seeing everyone's individuality."

Clare looked affronted. "My opinion did not surpass yours." She stuck out her tongue which broke the sudden strain in the air and returned to reading.

Clare put the paper down and just gawked at Eli. "You're reading your conclusion aloud, mister," she commanded.

"Is that an order?" Eli asked chuckling loudly.

Clare bent forward over her desk so she was as close to Eli's face as possible. He could feel the warmth of her breathe against his nose. Goose bumps became to overwhelm his skin. "Oh, you bet it is," she said threateningly before falling back into her seat.

Ms. Dawes graced the class with her arrival; a massive grin displayed upon her face. She clapped her hands together as the first period bell rang overhead. "Alright people, as you all know your reports were due today and I'm sure we all have some fantastic things to present! Up first is a pair I've been dying to see, since I allocated their partnership; Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy. "

Clare and Eli both exchanged looks, not the least bit surprised that they were going before the rest of the class. Clare held in a laugh and Eli just rolled his eyes before navigating his way up to the front of the class. He watched as Ms. Dawes took a seat in the back of the classroom.

"Okay, our topic was that of what makes someone innocent and both Eli and I had diverse opinions on what fits into that concept," Clare began, taking initiative as she always did. Eli was rather glad since he wasn't a huge fan of public speaking. "I believe innocence is something that we're all born with, but as time goes on it becomes a challenge to hold onto, for there are so many problems life throws at us daily. It's not always the easiest task to perform the right decision especially with so many factors to consider. I think innocence is held in a person who makes mistakes along the way, but overall has good intentions in what they are doing. These people actually learn from their actions and become a better person."

Ms. Dawes nodded in agreement, but interrupted before allowing Clare to speak again. "That really is great, Clare, but would you label yourself as innocent?"

Clare grew a bit roused up. "I think I would Ms. Dawes. I mean I think I've made bad choices, but who hasn't? I'm just a teenager; I've still got a lot to learn."

"I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive, Clare, but this whole assignment was meant to reveal a part of yourself and I think your writer's block hasn't been truly broken yet. However, there is a lot of improvement. I felt a bit more of the person inside. "Clare huffed and hunched her shoulders over in defeat. She thought she had done rather well in her writing this time, but her time to speak was long over before she had even made it halfway in to her work.

Eli shot Clare a reassuring glance. There was so much more to Clare that Ms. Dawes would never know unless she knew her like Eli did. But that's exactly what she wanted, to know Clare as well as someone close to her.

She readjusted her attention towards Eli. "Let's hear from you, Mr. Goldsworthy. Would you say you're innocent?" Ms. Dawes crossed her ankles as she saw Eli was bit tentative of his answer.

"To be honest…no," Eli muttered and Ms. Dawes' face was filled with that of a puzzled expression.

"Explain yourself." She insisted.

He nibbled on the inside of his mouth, specifically his cheek, and allowed himself to speak. "Well, I've done stuff I'm no where near proud of, but they're more scarring than just a simple mistake."Eli stopped himself before revealing too much. "Let's put it this way. If I was one of the children in Holden's dream, he'd let me fall to the depths of the cliff with no turning back. "

It was then that Eli felt like he was in a room alone surrounded by no light and no sound except for the demons in his head. The walls of this space were covered in fluorescent paint reading the words abuse, death, worthless, abandoned, gothic, and at last lonely. Eli blinked rapidly trying to throw the image out of his mind. This cruel hallucination was eating him alive. Yet, it wouldn't evaporate. Instead, it consumed more of him.

There was a flash of light and Eli was staring at himself wearing nothing but boxers in a full view mirror. Every bruise on his flesh and been amplified. His body was suddenly crippled with a strong force of discomfort causing him to fall to the floor writhing in a substantial amount of pain.

"Eli, Eli!" a voice called out snapping Eli back into reality.

Eli was breathing heavily and he could feel the sweat that had drenched his face. His bangs stuck to his forehead in one fluid piece. His heart was echoing in his ears and he felt it hard to swallow. Clare was staring at him worriedly and neither Ms. Dawes nor the class said anything.

"I think I need to be excused for a bit," Eli pleaded and without even retrieving his stuff, he darted out of the classroom leaving Clare frozen in place at the front of the class.

_Xxx _

Eli made his way to the nearest bathroom where he splashed water onto his face. He stared at himself in the mirror waiting for what had just taken place to start again. He anticipated his bruises to become conspicuous to the point where he couldn't cover them no more. As time passed however, he realized that it wasn't going to happen and that he was just overreacting.

What the hell was his brain doing to him? It was playing another cruel trick. He remembered how they started when his mother had decided to hit him. His mind would project his real fears behind the lids of his eyes as though he were watching a movie. However, he thought with Clare being in the picture that they were done for good because he was finally feeling something close to true contentment with himself. He guessed the presentation had been a prompt to them yet again.

He gripped the edges of the closest sink tightly as another thought ran through him_. Clare._ She had witnessed his major mental breakdown in class and he knew he owed her a big explanation. It was time to stop hiding what had been happening to him. Clare had to know the truth about him, about why he wanted to commit suicide only just a month ago.

He had never welled up the strength to tell her everything and she never once dug too far. A distinct feeling of fault and remorse sunk into his very heart for keeping something from Clare after she had been openly honest with him. He knew pretty much everything about her, her parents, and even her childhood. All she knew about him was that he had been suicidal for a long time and that his childhood was pretty good until his father split. That had been the cutoff and it was time to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle.

Eli labeled himself an idiot, a stupid moron, harboring the skeleton in his closet from the one person who finally gave a damn about him. She had made herself vulnerable to Eli the night she told him that she could love him. He didn't want to take advantage of such a thing.

"Ugh," Eli said to his reflection. He was repulsed by his bad sense of judgment. It was time to make things right.

Eli swung the door of the bathroom open and ran down the hallway back to Ms. Dawes' class. Just before he reached the room, he saw a glimpse of curls from the corner of his eye. Clare was sitting on the steps of the Degrassi Memorial Garden with her head resting in her hands.

Eli made his way over to her and plopped down.

She handed him his back pack which Eli took elegantly from her hands.

"I asked myself to be excused. Ms. Dawes said there was no need to push the issue any further and that the project had exceeded her expectations greatly. "Clare said those words with no emotion behind them. She looked up at Eli and said, "What happened to you? Was it stage fright?"

"No." Although it was just one remark, it was filled with apology. Eli took Clare's hand and allowed his fingers to wrap around hers. "There's something I need to tell you. I haven't been completely honest about my life and I think it's time you find out. You're the first person who ever bothered to help me, and get to know me. You deserve to know everything, Clare."

Eli started to open his mouth again before Clare rushed a finger up to his lips. "Not here, my house." He read her eyes and they signaled that she knew the matter was serious.


	8. Chapter 8

Both Eli and Clare ditched their last period classes which gave them plenty of time to discuss things in the privacy of Clare's home. Her parents wouldn't be back from work for three or four hours leaving no room for disturbances.

Clare tossed her schoolbag onto the floor after unlocking the front door. Eli did the same and followed Clare's instructions to take a seat on the couch. She made her way into the kitchen and began to fetch herself a glass of water. She turned towards Eli. "Do you want one too?"

Eli nodded, unable to say a word. He listened as the water running from the faucet was silenced and the only noise left was the shuffling of Clare's feet. There were two gentle clunks as the glass cups were placed onto the living room table. Clare fluffed her curls quickly before sitting down next to Eli.

Eli fidgeted with the positioning of his body on the couch before trying to speak. Only air came out of his opened mouth.

"Take your time," Clare said peacefully.

The edges of Eli's fingers began to tremor and the action soon made its way up to both of his hands. Sweat graced the center of his palms. He couldn't calm the jitters. Suddenly, he felt Clare's hands cup around his preventing them from shaking. She squeezed them both ever so tenderly and shot him an encouraging smile.

"It's okay Eli," she said keeping the same soothing tone from before. "I'm here for you."

Those simple words kick started Eli into speaking. "There's a very big reason behind why I wanted to commit suicide. I would have done it if it weren't for you… By…"he swallowed hard as he fought back the urge to cry. "By barging in, you showed that someone actually cared about me. I haven't experienced that feeling in such a long time.

Eli breathed in a few gulps of air. He watched his chest rise and fall as well as what was Clare was doing. Her eyes hadn't once left his and neither did her cupped hands signaling to him that he had the strength to say what was inside of him.

"My mother…" his lip began to quiver. "My mother…abuses me." An instant relief overwhelmed Eli as he uttered those words. The one secret that had tormented him for so long was finally out in the open to Clare. He awaited her reaction.

Tears welled on the brims of her eyes creating a true image of ocean blue waves. She let one roll down her cheek before saying, "Oh Eli." Her words were heartbreaking and shattering to Eli to say the least.

Clare dropped Eli's hands and slid over to him, encasing him in an embrace. He felt her head on his shoulder and the ends of her hair grazing his face. She wrapped her arms tightly around his back. He did the same, pressing his hands into her, not wanting to let her go. He was sobbing heavily now which made Clare's grip only grow stronger. She began to move her hands up along his spine rhythmically as a way to calm him down. She waited until Eli's tears were at bay before stopping the stroking movement of her hands and especially before she broke free from the hug.

Clare stared at him intently and it was then she saw how old Eli looked from the stress of his situation. He looked tired with semi deep bags underneath his eyes from what she assumed to be from many sleepless nights. Her thoughts began to wander to every scenario that could have befallen upon him in the last four years and it made her sick to even think about it.

"I want you to tell me everything," Clare said desperately.

"I know. "

Eli paused allowing his thoughts to drift back to the day his dad walked out of his life leaving him with a mother who began to destroy herself. "It started when my dad left. My mom got into drugs and alcohol which are not good separately so you can only imagine how they are together."

Clare frowned disapprovingly. Her negative thoughts only grew more apparent by the wrinkle of her nose.

"I remember the first time she started beating me. I had just got home from my early days of ninth grade and when I opened the door, the house reeked of alcohol. As soon as I took one step inside, she grabbed me forcefully by my hair and threw me against the wall. She didn't go much further after that. She seemed to be in shock from what she did, but eventually she grew numb to repentance just like I grew numb to fear. "

"That bitch," Clare growled angrily.

Eli let out a laugh that went unnoticed to Clare, not because it was a funny time to be amused, but the fact that Clare cursed nearly shocked him.

"The severity grew worse as time went on. She'd stumble in my room at peak hours of the morning, yelling and throwing a fit, none of which I could understand because she was intoxicated. Then, she'd grow angry at my reaction and throw punches and kicks."

"That's why you strained yourself sometimes when doing certain things, isn't it?" asked Clare urgently.

"So you've noticed?" Eli replied almost saddened. "I didn't want it to be something that was easy to point out."

"Where has she struck you?"

"Everywhere, but my face. My mother wanted to make sure that I never had any signs that stood out. She didn't want anyone to come to her one day and ask questions. It's not like she would even be home to answer them either way." Eli scoffed.

"Haven't you have ever tried to get help or get out of there? What if she went too far one day or something?" Clare pleaded and it was for the first time that Eli saw Clare truly terrified. Her eyes never reflected such pain and terror; not even when she thought Eli might have been dead.

"There's no where for me to go, Clare. If I tell anyone then I get uprooted from here and put into an adoption home most likely. I don't know any relatives that live nearby. Unfortunately, she's my only family."

"College time is almost here though. You can move out and get away from here or at least find your own place," suggested Clare.

"I don't have enough money for that. I've looked into living in a dorm, but if I did that I know I'd always be worried about my mom. I shouldn't give a damn about her, but I do." Eli sighed completely dissatisfied at his own response.

Clare reciprocated the same gesture and laced her fingers with his. They sat in the hushed noise of their surroundings. All that was heard was their slow, soft breaths.

Eli spread his legs and pulled Clare towards him. She laid her head on his chest and allowed his steady heartbeat to calm her nerves. Eli wrapped both his arms snuggly around her waist and brushed her cheek with his lips. They remained in that position for some time allowing their fast paced minds to rest and absorb the events of today.

After about ten minutes, Clare removed herself from in between Eli's arms and faced him. "Show me," she muttered.

Eli looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

Clare bit at her lip debating with herself if she wanted to see what she was about to ask. "Show me all the marks."

"Are you sure?" Eli asked weakly. He didn't want to disturb Clare or harm her mentality in anyway. He had been trying to keep her as far away from this situation as possible. He wasn't sure if revealing his wounds would be the best way to do that.

"I'm sure," Clare said with a confident nod.

Eli hesitated in his next movement, but he started slowly as he rolled up the sleeves of his black shirt. With every inch of bare skin, more cuts were exposed. They had faded for the most part, but the unhealed scars were still there enough to catch attention. They were a tad darker than his skin color and they lined his arms from his wrist up to the end of his forearm. Small bruises resided beside the almost disfiguring marks.

Clare clutched Eli's arms from below the elbow and stared intensively. She was disgusted by what she saw. "What were these from?" she asked bitter sweetly; concern and anger mixing into one simple sentence.

"They're mostly from glass hitting my skin. My mother likes to throw things at me. Her most recent object was a lamp which is where all of these came from."

"Do they hurt?" asked Clare as she mapped out each slash with her fingertips. She did so in such a fragile way making sure not to harm Eli any farther.

"No, not anymore, they just take a long while to heal is all," said Eli, watching each and every move Clare made. "Do you want to see the rest?"

"I was hoping that was the worse you had it." Clare's tone was full of such potent gloom, but she consented to seeing more.

With caution, Eli removed his shirt exposing his chest which had the darkest of the purple and yellow bruises. They looked vile and painful for they were colored to such an extent; there was no way to even tell a white shade was hidden beneath them.

Clare shifted uncomfortably, but did not maneuver away from Eli. Instead, she lowered her head and placed a kiss on every single discoloration that she saw. Eli was amazed by Clare's sympathy and her placid nature. Her kisses were just subtle pecks along his skin, but Eli felt such an enormous wave of feeling overtake his body.

A hand fell upon his cheek and Clare adjusted his face to make sure he was looking right at her. "You've got me no matter what may happen, okay? I promise I'm going to be here for you and we're going to make it past all of this together." She placed a kiss upon his forehead.

"Thank you, Clare, truly." There were no words that could appropriately express his gratitude towards Clare and her decision to remain by Eli's side. He never thought he'd find someone like her, so loyal, and so kind. He believed whole – heartedly that everything would be okay in the end. He just had to keep on living and survive the few months he had left of senior year.

"You never have to thank me." Clare said in a voice that was barely perceptible.

Her lips rushed up to meet Eli's. The kiss was passionate and slow. Eli felt the feather like softness of Clare's lips pressed against his. He tasted her sugary flavor. Their tongues passed each other lightly, not escalating much more than that.

They released themselves from the kiss and met each other's gaze lovingly.

"It's going to be okay, Eli."

Eli pressed his lips on Clare's one final time before saying, "I know, Clare, as long as you're with me."


	9. Chapter 9

_Six Months Later_

Eli and Clare couldn't believe how fast the year had flown by; mainly because they were in each other's company for the majority of the time. It was approximately one hour until graduation; where both would stride across the stage and take hold of their diploma. They had been through four years of high school which encased drama, homework, projects, friends, enemies, depression, but ultimately love in the end.

Eli stood in his bathroom overlooking himself in the mirror. He stared at his reflection amazed that he had come this far. He didn't expect to live long enough to leave high school, but that had all changed and he was grateful for the second chance.

He was wearing a blue robe that was overly baggy and he never understood why they were made that way. He placed the matching cap on his head and allowed it to tilt off the right side of his head. He smiled at the way it made him look like a dork, but he felt so proud of himself.

Eli was so close now to being free with his acceptance to Toronto University. He had received his welcome letter just a few weeks ago and he couldn't be more excited. He would be living on campus which although was a struggle inside himself with the condition of his mom; he figured it would be the closest way to peak in every now and then.

Clare was also attending TU which elated him knowing that he would have the best person in his life by his side for more time to come. Graduation wasn't separating them; only making them grow stronger as a couple as they faced a new step in their lives.

This ceremony meant more to Eli than most people would ever guess. Yes, he was known as the Goth boy who got lucky with a pretty girlfriend, but it was only a stereotype imprinted on him. He was much more than that and he was putting all of that change of himself into the moment his hand touched the diploma.

Much to Eli's dismay, his mother wasn't coming to his graduation. In all honesty, she hadn't been home frequently in the last few months. Eli was worried at first for he thought that something horrible had happened to her, but when she stumbled in a few mornings later, he didn't even want to know where she had been off to. They cycle repeated onward for the following weeks and up to the present. The only positive consequence that developed from this was less abuse towards Eli which his body was thankful for.

On the day of her son's own graduation, which Eli mentioned in several of her drunken rages, she seemed unfazed and uninterested. Now on this Friday morning, at approximately seven thirty, his mother was no where to be found. It hurt Eli deeply for he wanted to prove to his mother that he wasn't a failure and that he had done something good with his life instead of ending it. But then again, he wondered why he owed her that in the first place.

She hadn't done anything good for him in the last four years. She only drank, got high, and left bruises etched upon his once innocent skin. She degraded him, and placed him in the same category as she had put his father; a low life.

Yet, Eli couldn't shake the thoughts. It was his mother and despite everything he loved her and just wished that things were different. He wished that he didn't have to hide his skin, and always wonder when the next strike was going to occur. He longed for the old times where he could have brought friends over, ate home cooked meals, and laughed like a child should.

Eli rolled his shoulders knowing that his past life was no more. Instead, he had to take this ceremony as a way of turning over a new leaf. He'd be all packed and ready to move out by the middle of August. Then, he would be off to TU, placing his things into his temporary home until he found a place of his own. His wounds would fade and this prolonging battle would finally be over.

Feeling at most, good with himself, Eli checked his phone to see if Clare had texted him. They were supposed to be walking to graduation together. His face lit up as he saw a text from her which read, _'I'm all ready. Meet me in ten?'_

Eli responded quickly and after a final glance in the mirror, he exited his house.

_Xxx_

Eli made his way to Clare's home in less than ten minutes and he saw that she was standing outside. Even in her graduation attire, she looked radiant.

He made his way over to her and took her hand in his grasp. After placing a kiss upon it, he said," You look beautiful, my lady."

Clare's cheeks flushed instantly to a color of scarlet. "Oh stop it. I look like a blue marshmallow," she mocked.

Eli smirked. "Let's see if you're as tasty as one," he said raising both of his eyebrows seductively. He cocked his neck and pulled Clare into a breath taking kiss.

He slicked the bottom of her lip with his tongue which allowed him easy access into her mouth. He pressed his hand against her lower back and lured her into him causing both of their chests to be felt against each other. The kiss was wet and heavy as their lips called out for each other. Eli's tongue was almost overpowering in Clare's mouth, but she fought back just as hard.

"Ehem," a voice coughed.

Both Clare and Eli broke apart from each other. Clare's mother was standing outside with her arms crossed rigidly. A strap attached to a camera dangled from her right hand. "Clare, I thought you had a graduation to be present at," she said strictly, but there a hidden sense of amusement in her voice.

Clare was even a deeper shade of red at this moment and her eyes would not meet her mother's. Eli was smiling smugly as if he had won the lottery.

He had met Clare's parents a few times at dinner and they had got along rather fondly with him which he enjoyed. It was nice to have the presence of a healthy family before him.

"I'll get her there straight away, Mrs. Edwards," Eli said affirmatively.

"I'm starting to doubt that. Just so you know, both I and Clare's father are driving to witness our baby girl accomplish a huge achievement in her life. And as valedictorian, it makes it an even bigger celebration. If you make her late Mr. Goldsworthy –"

"Mom!" Clare squealed interrupting any threat her mother would try and make.

Mrs. Edwards loosened up and focused her attention on the camera that was in her grasp. "A few pictures before you guys head off isn't too much to spare, is it?"

Eli shook his head. "No ma'am. Take as many as you like and be sure to get my good side."

Mrs. Edwards along with Clare rolled their eyes. Clare stood comfortably close to Eli as he put his hand around her waist. Each of them put on their biggest smiles and endured about twenty shots from Mrs. Edwards.

"Your father and I will be on our way in about ten minutes. Are you sure you don't want a ride, Clare?"

"Nope, it's okay, mom. See you there." And with a wave, she laced her fingers with Eli's and headed in the direction of Degrassi.

_Xxx_

"Now, before I present to you the graduating class of 2012, it's time to hear a speech from our valedictorian, Clare Edwards. She will be attending Toronto University this fall and majoring in Journalism. Her work has been hung up on our walls of Degrassi many times this year." Mr. Simpson announced into the microphone happily.

The crowd clapped noisily as Clare made her way up onto the podium; a piece of paper held in her hand. She grinned happily and diverted her attention towards her parents who were videotaping in the back row.

"Good morning parents, teachers, and most importantly fellow graduates. I stand before you in order to celebrate one of the many proud moments to come in our lives. We did it. We made it through high school where we have gained not only memories, but friendships which we know will last a life time. It has been a rough journey which contained many ups and downs, but each event we encountered made it all part of the experience. As we face the changes of life, I must say that I'm a little scared just like I'm sure many of you are. It's a whole new world out there, but I know that each and every one of us has the ability to take it by storm, for Degrassi taught us many things. It not only gave us the value of hard work, but also that of growing close to people who will help us become much better than we are. And it is with that being said that I say congratulations to the class of 2012!"

Everyone erupted into applause. Clare took a short bow and as she returned to her seat she saw her mother was crying and her father was giving her thumbs up. She had made them so proud and that moment was worth more than anything.

_Xxx_

Clare was anxious beyond belief as she watched everyone in her year receive their diploma ahead of her. Finally she heard her name being called and she ran desperately up onto stage.

She shook Mr. Simpson's hand and then clutched her diploma firmly. "Well done, Clare," Mr. Simpson praised. He patted her on the back before she left the stage.

The line of names continued and Eli sat with his hands folded in his lap. "Eli Goldsworthy!" rang out Mr. Simpson's voice. He maneuvered his way past the amount of people he was sitting next to and walked on stage.

He felt the diploma touch his hand and he couldn't describe the feeling that had welled up in his chest. It cancelled out almost every negative thing that had ever happened to him. Even if his mother wasn't there, and he could only begin to imagine where she was, he didn't care. Things had fallen into an amazing layout for him and he was ready to embrace it with open arms. He giddily accepted a handshake from Mr. Simpson and with Clare applauding for him furiously, he returned to his seat.

_Xxx_

"And now it is my pleasure to announce that you all have officially graduated. You many now flip your tassels to the opposite side of your cap." The entire class did so and then threw their hats above their heads. A wave of blue flooded the air and it was in that moment that Degrassi had now become a stepping stone in their life.

_Xxx_

"Clare, are you sure it's okay if I come to dinner with you and your parents? Isn't it meant to be your special night?" Eli asked guiltily as Clare had suggested that he join in their festivity.

Graduation had ended about two hours ago and Clare had agreed to meet her parents in a fancy restaurant by eight o' clock that evening. With it only being noon, she wanted to spend her time with Eli before hand.

Clare pouted; the outlines of her lips becoming highly exaggerated. "Yes, it's okay for the billionth time," she said confidently. "I know your mom didn't show up to see you this morning and I want you to enjoy what you deserve, which is a well prepared meal and someone you love near you. You've been through a lot this year Eli and no words can say how glad I am that you made it. So will you please come with me?"

Eli let a wide grin crack on the sides of his lips. "Alright, Clare, as long as it's okay with your folks, then I'd be delighted to come."

"YES!" Clare screamed and she threw her arms Eli interlocking him in a tight hug.

Eli let his hands fall on her the curves of her hips. A thought struck him. "Hey Clare, do you want to come over to my house and celebrate on our own?"

Clare met his eyes and gasped. "I remember you telling me your house was off limits." She was obviously confused and Eli didn't blame her for after he had revealed his secret he never wanted her to be in house. But since this was the first time he didn't have school in a while, and he was a hundred percent certain his mom wouldn't be home until much later, he figured it would be a good opportunity to take advantage of.

"My mom won't be home from her shift until five or five thirty. I've told you that she's barely been home at all recently. Besides it's not fair to you that we always have to sneak around your place which is currently unavailable. I thought we could use a little privacy." He winked.

Eli wasn't expecting anything too serious such as sex for Clare had made her views clear on the subject. She wanted to make sure she was ready and Eli never pushed it, but a little groping and making out couldn't do any damage.

"Oh, Mr. Goldsworthy, so dangerous and naughty?" she inquired flirtatiously.

"You bet," Eli said arrogantly.

"Well then," Clare began gesturing her hand outward. "Lead the way."

**A/N: Sorry for not updating in a while everyone. I had a terrible case of writer's block. However, I'm back and I got everything all figured out. There will be only two or three chapters left in this story and I thank each and every one of you for your lovely reviews. **

**This was more of a filler chapter in order to set up for the ending that I have in mind, but no worries things are about to heat up. Please read and review if you really want a good update :D **


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